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I Me MineIt's my life, don't you forget. 12 October Citas "(...) Baste con mencionar que era usted, y hagamos la justicia de confesar que todavía lo es, una persona de lo más irritante. Quebrantaría yo veinte juramentos con tal de darle a usted en la cabeza. Ese modo que tiene usted de encender el cigarro, por ejemplo, basta para hacer que un sacerdote rompa el secreto de la confesión".
G.K. Chesterton - "El hombre que fue Jueves" 13 April El celular y el alcoholThe Eleven Types of Drunken Texts
1) The "fishing" text. This text is normally along the lines of: "So wot u up 2 later?" or "U out tonight?", or simply "Oceana?" Despite appearing innocent at first, its intentions are far from it. Generally sent at around 3am, this should be translated as: "Im drunk, horny and haven't pulled tonight. Where is my back up shag? “ (Typical success rate is around 10%.) The main determinates of a successful "fishing" text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your marginal propensity to fall asleep whilst texting. A "fishing" text is at its worst when sent to an ex. Just don’t do it! Remove his/her number from your phone IMMEDIATELY, or try simply putting "No" after/before her name in your phone book as a gentle reminder to avoid embarrassing yourself. 2) Predictive “Cock-ups” The predicative text software loaded onto nearly all mobile phones, whilst useful during the day, can wreak havoc whilst texting under the influence of alcohol. Some favourites: "Sorry still outside the club. Fucking steve." (queue) "wish I was inside your gorgeous aunt right now" (c*nt) “Ready and raping to go!” (raring) The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up: ''fancy gettin food in the crown?'' It was inevitably written as: ''fancy gettin done in the brown?'' "Can't wait to be licking your puppy” (pussy) "Fancy a dual?" (f*ck) Fortunately, the girl receiving saw the funny side and sent the following reply: "Andy, unfortunately I hav no desire 2 don full body armour, a sword, and a shield, grab my horse and ride over to urs for a "dual". Oh, and I certainly dont want sex with u!" "It's ok, no hurry, I've got aids" (ages) “Gassy new year!!!" (happy) "come on over... I have wind" (wine) My friend Steve text me when we were planning a trip to Alton Towers: “I can't wait to have a go on all the sheep!” (rides) “Put your coal into my puppy” (cock & pussy) I asked my mate if he had any plans one evening quite late: "Wife open, definitely not sleeping!" Was his reply! (wide) Whilst preparing for a play: “Have you got the rapist ready yet” (script) “Spank me when u get here” (Prank) 3) The "friend locator" text One of the only types of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Picture the following situation: You've just met some chick and your mates have fucked off to leave you to it. At which point she realises your chat stinks and she makes an excuse to go find her friends. You are left alone to fend for yourself. You reach for your mobile phone and attempt to call your friends several times before realising they will not be able to hear their mobiles ring. Your solution is to send the following message: "Wher u? Ho on dancefloor" Or some other incomprehensible crap. This situation is exasperated when you realise you have fuck all signal and must accept the fact u will be paying for the entire taxi fare home. Or, alternatively, play that game outside the club where you go up to someone you vaguely recognise, asking "Clapham anyone?” 4) "Declarations of undying love" No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. Do you recognise any of the following? "You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" - Ergh! "I love u!" "Love you millions" “If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I’d put u and I together” "Missing you!" / "I miss you so much!" It should be noted that for no apparent reason the number of kisses on the end of the text increases to some exponential figure with every succeeding love text x x x x x x x x x x x x x Naturally, of course, there is nothing wrong with declarations of undying love but they are best steered away from if you are unlikely to remember them when you wake in the morning with a dry tongue and a throbbing headache. Because I promise you that YOU may have forgotten what you sent the night before but SHE / HE won’t and she will have the evidence in her inbox 5) "Family texts" Doesn’t happen that often, but to those few who accidentally text their parents or other family members, it can be disastrous. Relatives most likely to receive messages are those who are dangerously close to “fitties” in the phone book. For example: "Dad" will be located near "Dave" or “Danni” alphabetically. My favourites: "Im c*nted where are you?" (sent by a friend to their mother. They didn’t speak for a week or so) "U wanna stay at mine tonite?" (ooh dear) And the worst case...Text sex!!! "Ill start at ur nipples and lick my way south until im licking and sucking ur wet... (you go)" The above isn't actually an urban myth and genuinely did happen to my cousin. The receiving dad would not let it go lightly and it became his standard party trick to tell in front of other relatives at Christmases and birthdays! You have been warned! 6) "Shit, fuck & bollocks!" text The name is derived from the noise you make after sending it! It typically occurs when you are writing a text that bitches about someone or reveals that you fancy someone. Their name sticks in your head when you're about to send to it... and BANG! The wrong person gets the very message of which they are the subject. Of course, this can have advantages, For example, you can create a double bluff. Want to make your ex-girlfriend jealous? Easy, send a message to her that was meant for your fictional new hot lover. For the cheaters among us, this type of text is can wreak havoc. I seem to recall breaking up after incorrectly sending my girlfriend at the time this message: “Thanks for last night, it was awesome, u free Friday?” Despite my claims that the evidence was purely circumstantial, she soon showed me the door 7) Singing Texts Ever caught yourself texting song lyrics? Shocking really isn't it! 8) "The One Eyed Text" By 1am focusing has become difficult, darn right impossible in fact. But far from deterred, your alcohol fuelled brain discovers you can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye. 9) Pre-lash booty check texts A sister to the "fishing text", the pre-lash booty text is sent in between the hours of 9pm and midnight generally whilst pre-lashing. The innocent "You out tonight?" sent to someone you fancy is again far from it. It should be translated as, "Just checking your out in case I need to find u for some sex later." A gentleman receiving such a text will make it their mission to ensure they end up in the same club as the sender, bullying his mates into going to that club. Dates before mates is poor form in my book! I pre-warn any girls thinking of sending this text! Lets be honest, you sound desperate! 10)The "reminder" text Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that. You have realised just how pissed you are and that in the morning you will remember nothing. You therefore send yourself reminders for the morning. Examples: "Say sorry to Kelly" "U lent Boycey £40" "Key is under bin" 11) The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition". Strictly speaking, this is not a text message. However, I still felt it needed to be included. The "I cant remember her name phonebook addition" occurs at a highly intoxicated moment in the evening when you cant remember the name of the person you've just spent the last few hours talking with / just woken up next to! To spare yourself the embarrassment of asking "What’s your name again?", you decide to hand them your phone instead and get them to type it in!!! Works a charm, but they normally figure out why you're doing it!!!! Drunken text messages can happen to anyone, although admittedly some more than others! Will we ever learn? I hope not! 28 July Simpsons IV Estos frasecitas que encontré por ahí son la única cosa decente que queda de los Simpsons después de tanto bastardeo, y creo que me corresponde compartirlas. De todas maneras, voy a continuar en la búsqueda. ¡Saludos!
Bart: (as he and Rod climb down the church steeple) Don't let our hands touch, it's gay.
Rod: What does "gay" mean? Bart: Um, it means... you used to be afraid... but you're not anymore. Rod: (shouting down at Flanders) I'm gay, Daddy! I'm gay! Mrs. Simpson made me gay! Marge: (laughs nervously) I believe he's saying... he's okay. Rod :(praying) And please thank Mrs. Simpson for giving as much fun as we had when Mommy was here.
Marge: Aw. Todd: And please ask Mommy to come to Daddy in a dream so he knows how to cut our sandwiches. Marge: Aw.
Rod: (praying) And please tell Mrs. Simpson it's rude to eavesdrop on our prayers. Marge: (surprised) Oh. Rod: (praying) But we forgive her. Marge: Ooooo. Marge: I found a place where I'm needed...
Homer: You're needed at home! Marge: ...and treated like I deserve. Homer: (pause) You're needed at home! Milhouse: I don't want to live in a world without Bart! (jumps down a cliff into the water)
Marge: Can he swim? Bart: (cool) What do you think? Bart: We tried to break up your parents and we broke up mine!
Milhouse: Wanna call my therapist and tell her how you feel? (dials into his cell phone) Hello, Dr. Wexler? Wexler: (over phone) Stop calling me! I'm on my honeymoon! (to her husband) Yeah, it's that weird kid again. Marge: (reading note at tea shop) Fellow guests, our tea shop has been shut down because the Health Association found rat droppings in our cakes. It's not that we're bad people, we just weren't paying enough attention.
Mayor Quimby: (hijacking a plane) Take this plane wherever girls are going wild!
Lisa: I've seen this same show on a different network.
Lisa: I don't understand, Dad. Our family has so many flaws, why must we share them with the world?
Homer: You're a useless old man. Name one thing you do for this family!
Mr. Burns: Before we begin the movie, I would like to hold a moment of silence to remember the workers who gave their lives to...
Bart: So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, thinks he's a god, and has sealed himself in the plant, cutting off all touch with the outside world?
Marge: You are not a god! Marge: It's May!
Ralph: I got hit by Boy Lisa and Girl Lisa!
Dr. Hibbert: How many fingers am I holding up? Marge: Now, I just have one question... (to Homer, Bart and Lisa) Who are you people? (They gasp)
Marge: Who?
Lisa: (in a tree with Bart) Oh, no! This is horrible!
Todd: Daddy, was Mommy a monkey? I can't remember.
Lisa's lawyer: So you're positive that man couldn't have evolved from apes?
Lisa's lawyer: So does this theory of evolution necessarily mean that there is no God?
Homer: We've been through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together!
Lisa: Mom and Dad can't do marriage counseling. If you listen closely, you can hear them arguing now. (They listen closely).
Sherri: Lisa's thinning her giant butt!
Bart: I didn't think anyone famous came from Springfield.
Burns: Smithers, join me for a cup of coffee.
Burns: We're losing altitude! We'll have to jettison all unnecessary weight! (Burns and Grandpa look at Homer).
Apu: Oh, look. It's Mr. Homer, my favorite customer. Please feel free to flip through my Playdudes and eat my raw bacon and tell me to go back to some country I'm not actually from.
Moe: I'm going to call the suicide hotline now (dials and gets a tone) And they've blocked my number. OH, GOD! (starts to cry)
Moe: Hey Marge, I just had a great idea. I think we should change the names on the bathrooms to "Dukes" and "Dames" instead of the ones we have—"stand-ups" and "sit-downs".
Marge: Oh no! Who's watching the kids?
Homer: (after Bart throws a rock in through the window) Ah! Flying rock! Call the geologist!
50 cent: Yo! B, I heard you throw down on stage, wanna join my world tour?
Rev. Lovejoy: While I have no opinion for or against your sinful lifestyles, I cannot marry two people of the same sex no more than I can put a hamburger on a hotdog bun. Now, go back to working behind the scenes at every facet of entertainment!
Patty: Marge, if you can find it in your heart to accept me for who I am, I would love to see you at the wedding. If not, I'll see you at Homer's funeral. (Homer is trying to catch a fly with a knife) Should be pretty soon.
Marge: (during a long argument with Homer) And stop telling that story of the time you found an onion ring in your French fries! It was twenty years ago!!
Homer: Don't worry, Marge. If I croak, you'll marry Lenny. Or Moe. The winner will be determined by a card game I invented.
Mr. Burns: (after Otto switched his and Homber's urine sample) Simpson! I haven't see so many drugs in a wang, since I ran a Chinese opium den! Crack, smack, uppers, downers, outers, inners, horse tranquilizers, cow paralyzers, blue bombers, green goofers, yellow submarines, LSD, Mach-3, and trace amounts of... dewewehhhh, human urine!?!?
Mayor Quimby: Oh, we're broke, but I have a plan. We change the name of our town to escape our creditors. I need names, people!
Dr. Hibbert: Do you see anyone here that isn't here?
Bart: Hey dad, remember when you told me that if I used the chainsaw unsupervised I'd hurt myself? Well, you were wrong. I hurt someone else.
Chalmers: It's not my birthday, Seymour. You know I'm a Sagittarius.
Ralph: (singing his song) A, B, C, D, E, F, G... (pauses) How I wonder what you are...
Milhouse: (singing) When a man loves a woman...
Homer: (to Lisa) Don't worry, honey, I wrote you a song so schmaltzy, it'll make Moon River sound like a farting orangutan!
Ralph: (pointing to a picture of Charlie Brown) Can you make me look like this?
Homer: It came to me in a vision. Or maybe a drunken haze or possibly an ice cream headache.
(From Flanders' good-bye letter): You have laughed at us for the last diddly-ast time!
Ned: Hey, Homer. Ya here for a viewin' of my shampooin'?
Homer: You wear a bathing suit in the bathtub?
Homer: Bingo? That's my favorite game! I just can't remember what to yell out when you win.
Marge: (after mass) All of that standing, sitting and kneeling...It's like 'Simon Says' without a winner!
Lisa: Everyone should be able to pick their own faith, like how I chose Buddhism.
Skinner: Now kids, since the middle ages had no compact discs or Super Mario Men, people found entertainment in abusing the village idiot. So, let history come alive.
Marge: Homer, you've been gone all night and you look like you accepted someone as your personal something. Were you at that Catholic Church?
Ned Flanders' brain: (shaking hands with Father Sean) Note to self — have hand re-blessed. 18 July Simpsons IIIHomer: [looking at Kama Sutra] Hey Marge! This guy looks like Apu!
Comedian: I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.
[everyone laughs, except Homer] Homer: I don't get it. Lisa: Dad, the zebra didn't do it, it's just a word at the end of the dictionary. Homer: I still don't get it. Lisa: It's just a joke. Homer: Oh, I get it! I get jokes! Bart: [walking into TV room] Hey, guys? Just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: [scoffs] That's no reason to block the TV. Marge: Oh my... Bob: You do know, I used to have a... problem with trying to kill people.
Cecil: Goodness! I had no idea! For you see, I have been on Mars for the past decade, in a cave with my eyes shut, and my fingers in my ears. Kent Brockman: Ma'am, we know you've been through a lot. But we'd like you to stand in front of this burning building and say 'Channel 6 is hot, hot, hot!'
Burns: OK, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "E", you can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, OK. Um, I'm a good...work...guy -- Burns: You're fired. Lenny: But I didn't say -- Burns: You will. [pushes a button] Lenny: [falling through a trap door] EEEEeeeee! Bart: It's valuable, huh?! Comic Book Guy: Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go, go, for the good of the city! Abe Simpson: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.
Marge: Bart, did you trick an Australian boy into accepting a $900 collect call?
Bart: Yes, 'm. Homer: [looking at globe] Hmm, there it is: Aus-tra-li-a. I'll be damned. [spins globe, laughs] Look at this country! ["Uruguay"] U-R-Gay! [laughs] Bart: Hey, G.I.Joe: your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.
Marine: Actually, Sir, the embassy is considered American soil, Sir! Homer: Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia...[hops over the line] Now I'm in America...Australia! America! Bart: I get it, Dad. Homer: Australia! America! Marge: Homer, that's enough! Homer: Australia! America! [gets punched] Ow! Marine: Here in America we don't tolerate that kind of crap, Sir! Bob: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college?
Cecil: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way. Bob: You can't do this! I saved the children's lives, I'm a hero!
Cecil: [craftily] Tell them they'll live to regret this.
Bob: You'll live to regret this! [realizing] Oh, thanks a lot, *now* I look crazy! Homer: Anyone lose their glasses? [no one answers] Last chance! [still no one answers] Woo-hoo! [Homer fishes the glasses out of the toilet. He puts them on] 'The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side'.
Man: That's a *right* triangle, you idiot! Man: You're the worst comedian we've ever seen!
Krusty: Oh, great! Well, we'll just sit here silently for the next ninety minutes. Man: Fine with us. Krusty: [groans and sits] Flanders: ... and then Harry Potter and all his little friends burned in hell for practising witchcraft!
Rod and Todd: Yay! Mrs. Krabappel: Bart has been guilty of the following atrocities: synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots, replacing my birth control pills with Tic-Tacs... Nerd Kid: As the first student at Springfield Elementary to discover a comet, we're very proud to make you a member of our very select group. Welcome to Super Friends.
Bart: Huh? Kids: Welcome, Super Friend! Nerd Kid: I am called Ham, because I enjoy ham radio. This is Email... Cosine... Report... Database... and Lisa. Your nickname will be Cosmos. Homer: Ever since you started therapy, all you can do is talk about yourself. Well, what about *me*, Marge?
Marge: I just left my first session and I haven't even opened my mouth yet! Homer: You see? You see? '*I* just left *my* first session and *I* haven't opened *my* mouth yet.' Homer: [sullen] Did you talk about me in therapy today?
Marge: I don't think so. Homer: Tell me the truth! [gasps] Don't tell her I raised my voice! [laughs nervously] Happy family, happy family... Homer: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! [leaves]
Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
Marge: I'm going in the kitchen to have a civilized conversation. If anyone wants to join me, you're welcome to do it... [Nobody joins her] [Talking to herself] Hello Marge! How's the family? I don't wanna talk about it!
Homer: [scoffing] Well, if it isn't the leader of the weiner patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons! Marge: Homer, you should be more supportive. Homer:You're right, Marge. Good work, boy. [ruffles his hair] [Marge leaves] [singing] Egghead likes his booky-books! Marge: Homer! Homer: Just tucking him in. Burns: Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash!
Smithers: Um, well... sir, it happened twenty five years before I was born. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything! Smithers: Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?
Homer: I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV. Rev. Lovejoy: I'll see you in Hell..... from Heaven!
Skinner: I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it. Cecil: When that pie hit your face, I saw my dreams explode in a burst of cream and crust. But I suppose I should thank you. After all, it lead me to my true calling.
Bob: Cecil, no civilization in history has ever considered chief hydrological engineer a calling. Skinner: Oh, oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie! Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Willie: I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya?! That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself! Mrs. Hoover: Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels.
Chalmers: Oh, I have had it... I have had it with this school, Skinner. The low test scores. Class after class of ugly, ugly children.
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidentally' with 'repeatedly' and 'dog' with 'son'.
Marge: This isn't very erotic. It's an actual utility room.
Homer: No, honey: it's a romantic fantasy. I imagine I'm the janitor and you're... the janitor's wife, who has to live with me in the utility room. [Bart's eating a candy bar]
Homer: Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolatey -- put it away, boy! -- situation. Official: If word gets out about this, Krazy Klown Airlines will be a laughingstock.
Lisa: Mom, can we talk to you?
Marge: Can't talk. Keeping myself in a state of catlike readiness. Lisa: Uh, neat. Bart: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs, then pauses] So, to answer you question, I don't know. Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: HOMER! Homer: I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening! Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self help tapes as 'Smoke yourself thin' and 'Get some confidence, Stupid!'
Grandpa: 'Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot.'
Ralph: [whispering] Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
Lisa: [whispering] Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation. Ralph: [pauses] My cat's name is Mittens. Skinner: For privacy's sake, let's call her Lisa S.... Wait, that's too obvious. How about L. Simpson.
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will! Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, 'Smashing Pumpkins'.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely. Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man, which makes me the woman, and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
Ralph: When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar.
Comic Book Guy: These 'Bat Pants' have been shredded by the Riddler.
Dry Cleaner Clerk: No, just your ass. Comic Book Guy: That’s what I call my ass. Apu: Please, do not offer my god a peanut!
Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with digging up a corpse?
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as 'Designated Drivers, the Lifesaving Nerds' and 'Phoney Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness'. 22 June Dolina y los libros¿Cuál es el recuerdo más lejano que tenés referido a los libros? -Son libros no para leer los del recuerdo más lejano, sino para apilar, para tirar por el suelo, para construir casitas. En casa había muchos libros, todos leían, mi madre, mis tías, mi padre, mi abuela, entonces había libros. Y yo, que era muy chico, jugaba con ellos, de manera que el primer recuerdo que tengo de los libros es del libro como objeto. Después, mis tías me enseñaron a leer desde muy chiquito, yo ya leía a los tres años y con los libros empecé muy pronto a leerlos. Desde luego que siendo chico prefería los libros con ilustraciones o dibujos, incluso las revistas de historietas, pero muy rápidamente leía novelas policiales e inmediatamente después, libros cualesquiera. Yo leía, ya en mi preadolescencia, de un modo casi patológico, y leía mal, porque leía cualquier cosa. Recuerdo que no hace mucho, no sé si en la sala de espera de un médico o algo así, en esos lugares donde uno quiere hacer pasar el tiempo, tuve la idea de recordar cuántos libros de Mr. Reader había leído, unas novelas policiales de último orden. Y calculé como cien, eso era verdaderamente una pérdida de tiempo, porque quien ha leído un Mr. Reader los ha leído todos. Quiero decir que leía mal, de un modo totalmente caótico. Después, a instancia de algunos familiares, empecé a abandonar algunas lecturas y a preferir otras. Pero siempre figuró la casualidad como gestora de mis preferencias literarias: yo estaba en un lugar y no había otra cosa que leer; bueno, leía cualquier cosa. ¿El insomnio que padeciste de joven tuvo que ver con esa patología por la lectura? -Sí, en una época posterior, a mis 17, 18 años, comencé a dormir al revés, o sea, a dormir de día y, como por suerte no había televisiones para hipnotizarme, leía. Por ahí salía, pero no siempre se podía salir. Un lunes a la noche en Caseros no es muy prometedor, o no lo era en aquel entonces, y leía. Por eso podemos anotar tres o cuatro situaciones, ninguna de ellas literarias ni didácticas, que me acercaron a los libros: el amontonamiento de libros en mi casa, cierta patología por imitar lo que hacían mis mayores, el insomnio... nunca un maestro de literatura. ¿Hay alguna lectura que te haya marcado en aquella época? -Sí, Chesterton. Fue mi pase a la literatura de verdad. Lo leí mezclado entre novelas policiales e inmediatamente descubrí que sí, tal vez eran relatos policiales, pero tal vez eran el primer escalón para entrar en otro mundo mucho más complejo. LIBROS EXTENDIDOS ¿Seguís pensando, como insinuaste alguna vez, que a la mayoría de la gente no le gusta tanto leer sino haber leído? -Es posible que suceda; siempre han tenido mucho éxito los resúmenes, para enterarse qué cosa era Crimen y castigo en cuatro páginas. Quiero decir: para el que lee ese resumen, el paso por la extensa novela de Dostoievsky es más bien un trago amargo que hay que apurar con la mayor rapidez. A ese hombre le gusta haber leído, le gusta acreditar en su pasado el contacto con Crimen y castigo, pero de ningún modo disfrutaría leyéndolo. Sin embargo, yo he disfrutado mucho de algunos escritores, que tal vez no nombre, mucho más en la reseña que de ellos han hecho otros, y después al leerlos en persona resultaban bastante tediosos. El resumen borgeano de Swedenborg es mucho mejor que Swedenborg, y diría que hasta el resumen borgeano de Macedonio es más tratable que Macedonio, pero estoy hablando de resúmenes borgeanos y seguramente no es el caso de la colección El libro elegido, aquella revista que sacaba resúmenes de libros, entonces los macanudos se leían todo Hemingway en un martes, por ejemplo. Yo había pensado en los libros extendidos, que eran lo contrario del libro resumido. Se trataba de tomar una novela, pongamos por caso Crimen y castigo, y extenderla; si tenía 400 páginas, hacerla de 2000. ¿De qué modo se extendería? Supongamos, poniendo los nombres de las calles que se cruzaban, dando datos extensos sobre los personajes secundarios... "Un carro con caballos cruzaba por una esquina", "casi lo atropella un carro con caballos". Una historia lateral, como esas novelas que estorban al Quijote... ¿Cuáles fueron los libros clave en tu vida? -Hay algunos. Yo nombraría Ficciones, de Borges; Del sentimiento trágico, de Unamuno; Adán Buenosayres, de Marechal; El sueño de los héroes, de Bioy, y debe haber otros. Esos libros iniciaron series de tareas, y series de nuevas lecturas. Los libros decisivos suelen venir en riestra, como los ajos. Uno lee uno y empieza o a seguir al autor, o a seguir el tema, o a leerlo de nuevo, o a cambiar sus pensares. Eso sucede con los libros decisivos en la vida de uno. No significa tanto que auno le gusten; desde luego que tiene que haber un agrado, pero a veces el agrado por un libro no es alegre ni dichoso sino más bien reviste la forma de una tristeza, de una tribulación, de un estupor. A veces un libro contiene revelaciones trágicas. EL MEJOR DE TODOS Una vez dijiste ue si te condenaran a la audición de un solo artista, eligirías a Gardel. ¿Por quién optarías si estuvieras condenado a la lectura de un solo autor? -También es argentino: Borges. ¿En qué momento comenzaste a leerlo? -Tendría 18 años cuando leí Ficciones, debe haber sido el primer o segundo libro que leí de Borges. Yo creo que Borges es el mejor de todos, estoy convencido. Es el mejor de estos tiempos, incluidos los mejores escritores del mundo. Del siglo XX hacia aquí, yo creo que es el mejor. ¿Llegaste a tener algún trato con él? -Sí, lo conocí de un modo muy elemental. Antonio Carrizo le hizo en 1980 una serie de reportajes que él venía a grabar periódicamente a Radio Rivadavia. En ese entonces, yo trabajaba en la radio en un puesto administrativo, digámoslo así. Carrizo me permitió acceder a esas grabaciones, así que durante un largo mes, yo veía a Borges día de por medio. Escuché aquellos reportajes y, mejor todavía, escuché algunas conversaciones que sobrevenían después de los reportajes. ¿Cómo es tu relación con los escritores en la actualidad o en el pasado reciente? -Por suerte pude tratar a Adolfo Bioy, que me tenía una gran simpatía. Incluso hasta puedo decir que me dio una de las alegrías de mi vida, sin saberlo él, desde luego. Sucedió probablemente en 1991: él tenía en la Feria del Libro, una presentación que una revista española hacía de sus obras. Esto se celebraba con un acto donde estaba él, Benedetti y no sé quién más, y antes de comenzar, vino un tipo de la editorial española y me dijo: "Mire, el señor Bioy Casares nos pidió especialmente que usted conduzca este acto y hable". Y así fue, participé de ese acto y a partir de allí tuvimos un trato, desde luego, desparejo. Pero puedo decir que me trató mucho mejor de lo que yo merecía. Recuerdo en este momento una charla que tuve que dar, bastante después, también en la Feria del Libro, y promediando la charla, se abrió la puerta y entró Adolfo Bioy -que había terminado de dar una charla en otra sala- y se acercó caminando lentamente para saludarme. Ésa fue también una gran alegría. Y desde luego, Ernesto Sábado me dispensa una simpatía y un cariño que no tienen nada que ver con mis méritos, sino más bien con mi suerte, probablemente. EL ÁNGEL GRIS ¿Cómo juzgás tus libros a la distancia, sobre todo a Crónicas del Ángel Gris, que a esta altura ya es un clásico para mucha gente? -Es verdad que es casi un clásico, para qué negarlo. De todos modos, para ser un clásico, tiene muchos errores. Yo lo escribiría de nuevo, pero ya lo escribí de nuevo y salió igual. El libro es un poco inocente a esta altura, me parece a mí, pero no está mal. Sería necio disparar contra ese libro afectando el poder escribir otro mucho mejor, y no estoy tan seguro de eso. A mí me parece que el libro está bien. Generalmente, cuando un artista se refiere a una obra temprana, dice: "qué porquería, yo ahora escribo mucho mejor". Yo creo que sí, que escribo un poco mejor, pero mis cosas ya no son tan graciosas. También es posible que la gracia sea una virtud menor en la literatura. También es posible que para conseguir una mayor complejidad sea indispensable renunciar a ciertas bromas. ¿El libro que estás preparando tiene ese rumbo? (Se refiere a "Bar del Infierno", esta entrevista es un poco anterior) -Sí, es un poco más complejo y un poco menos gracioso que los anteriores. Seguiremos hasta que logremos una obra muy compleja, carente de toda gracia y que nadie publicará. ¿Hay algo más que ya puedas adelantar de tu nuevo libro? -Puedo adelantar el envoltorio, que, en general, es lo último que se me ocurre. Estuvimos haciendo en televisión un programa que se llamaba "El bar del Infierno", que era un pretexto para relatos, tal vez no relacionados entre sí. Hemos de utilizar ese mismo pretexto para el libro. Es un bar, algo parecido a la Biblioteca de Babel de Borges, un bar infinito del cual no se puede salir, y hay allí unos personajes propios de los bares; uno de ellos es un narrador de historias que está condenado a contar historias. El libro consiste en una reproducción del libro que utiliza el propio narrador para contar sus historias. Hay entonces dos niveles de narraciones: uno, que son las narraciones que figuran en ese libro que usa el narrador y otra, que es la historia del narrador en el bar. ¿Podrías mencionar algunas lecturas que estén marcando la creación de este libro? -Sí, pero no son lecturas literarias, son más bien filosóficas e históricas. Estoy leyendo mucha historia de la China, interiorizándome sobre cuestiones relacionadas con el daoísmo, el mohismo -una escuela hoy casi olvidada-, el legalismo -que era un pensamiento filosófico oficialista y muy poco interesante-, que estableció justamente Shih Huang Ti, que no es otro que el protagonista del ensayo de Borges "La muralla y los libros", aquél que ordenó construir la muralla china y la quema de los libros, y se proclamó primer emperador. Me doy cuenta ahora de que es un libro chino... Porque es cierto que uno lee para escribir. Mi memoria no alcanza a retener ahora quién era el tipo que se levantaba y leía durante quince minutos a Dickens para poder escribir. Otros leían, como dice Borges, el Código Civil. No está mal, son ejercicios interesantes para acostumbrarse a un sistema de relaciones, para no dejarse tentar por las demasías, para ser claro y categórico, cuando esto sea una virtud. Y yo también suelo hacer estas cosas antes o durante la escritura. Suelo leer a señores cuya prosa admiro; desde luego, a Borges, pero también a otros, que son muy precisos en su prosa, para ver si se me contagia. Cortázar, por ejemplo, es un escritor que conviene leer. Yo creo que Cortázar tiene acaso una maestría mayor que la de Borges en la construcción del relato. Es probable que Borges tenga un pensamiento más abarcativo y más rico filosóficamente, pero Cortázar es un escritor estupendo, extraordinario. Mucha gente sostiene que tu obra tendría que ser más abultada, que tendrías que publicar un libro cada dos o tres año y no cada ocho o diez. -Yo también espero eso, pero lo espero de un modo tan pasivo, que esta asiduidad no sucede jamás. Yo escribo con mucha dificultad. También es cierto que siempre encuentro en la vida algunos asuntos que me distraen. Esta profesión mediática es una distracción, evidentemente. Pero también las tribulaciones del amor son distracciones, las pequeñas iras cotidianas. Yo sufro mucho cuando escribo, no me resulta fácil, como algunos pueden pensar cuando escuchan el programa de radio, en donde cumplo el papel de un tipo decidor de ingenio fácil. Unamuno hablaba de la facundia y la detestaba. Él decía que prefería la imaginación seca, le tenía mucho miedo a los decidores. Pues a mí me resulta fácil la facundia y muy difícil la imaginación seca que trato de imponer en los libros. Y hay otro problema: yo soy mucho mejor lector que escritor, entonces, cuando leo lo que he escrito, no me gusta y nos pasamos todo el día de modificación en modificación, de arrepentimiento en arrepentimiento, de abolición en abolición. Y así, las cosas nunca van a salir. Hay una forma, que es casi compulsiva, que consiste en tomar compromisos y condenarse uno a fechas y plazos, y de ese modo tan desagradable, mis obras avanzan un poco más. Pero últimamente los editores me están tratando tan bien, que sin darse cuenta están haciendo un gran daño. Me dicen: "Usted tómese todo el tiempo que quiera". ¿Ah, sí? La eternidad toda... ¿La opereta y la televisión también son excusas para no escribir? -Me cuestan menos, evidentemente. Cualquiera adivina que la opereta la escribí rápidamente. Después tardé en hacerla, y está la música, que es otro problema. Pero puede ser que sean también dilaciones. Algunas de esas dilaciones sirven para "entrar en dedos", para hacer como una especie de aperitivo. En el programa de televisión, a mí se me ocurrieron muchas cosas que después sirvieron para el libro. Uno a veces tiene esa imaginación antifuncional, uno está pensando en una melodía y le sale una letra. A mí me suele ocurrir mucho eso. Es decir, cuando mejor escribo, es cuando no estoy escribiendo. ¿Alguna vez pensaste en dejar todo para dedicarte sólo a escribir? -Sí, por más de que hemos de admitir que mi presencia en los medios tampoco es tan fuerte, pero el programa de radio no es un programa que nosotros hagamos con el diario y no es tán facil de hacer. Pero sí, lo he pensado, y nunca lo contrario, dejar de escribir para dedicarme a hacer programas de radio.
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